Olympics, Church Style

In honor of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, I considered what an Olympic games would look like if it were held in the Western Church. What would the events be?


So, here it is, the event lineup for the 2012 Church Olympics…


The Opening Ceremony: The opening ceremony, the big deal, this is the chance for the Tech Ministry to shine. Amazing light shows, rousing music blasting through the state-of-the-art sound system, and one heck of a video presentation showcasing the varied ministries of the church. The culmination of this awesome presentation will be the "torch runner"--the Lead Ministry Tech sprinting in crazy, awe-inspiring slow motion up the aisle, holding aloft the microphone with fresh battery for the pastor, as Chris Tomlin's "God Of This City" (which is practically the National Anthem for the Western Church) plays, resounding pride in the hearts of the crowd.


2 Meter Baptismal Freestyle: A short competition, this event is especially popular among newer believers. Dunking, sprinkling, and dog-paddle are three acceptable styles.


Door Greeter Triathlon: A true test for the most seasoned Greeter Ninja, this event's course includes pew-leaping, then a front-door sprint, and culminating in a "Welcome to our Chirch" calisthenics routine. First one to shake the hand of the bewildered first-timer wins.


Free-weight Chair Stacking: Athletes must have a true "servant's heart" to participate in this event, as it is not for the weakly-committed. Randomly-positioned weighted metal chairs are hefted and stacked in towers of tough, glory-less wonder. Taller towers earn extra points, and points are deducted for use of a dolly.


Holy Spirit Floor Gymnastics: Continually dominated by those of charismatic denominations, this lively but complicated exercise really tests the skill and grace of the particpant. Rousing, rocking musical accompanant adds to the pizzazz as competitors move rhymically, or rather the Spirit moves them.


Nursery Diaper Long Toss: After changing the sopping wet diaper, competitors aim for the small, partially-concealed diaper pail and chuck the mushy mess while holding a squirming baby or toddler. Extra points are given if it's an over-the-shoulder toss or a poopy diaper. Points are deducted if the diaper bounces off the wall behind before landing in the trash. Competitors are disqualified if they drop the baby or miss the can completely.


Synchronized Praise & Worship: A group competition, this event pits Worship Teams, Praise Teams, and traditional choirs agsinst one another in a contest of symmetry, timing, and grace. Popular movements include rhythmic clapping, lifted-hand waves, integrated swaying, and staggered vocals.


This may seem somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I gotta tell you, I think we could pull this off. If your church would like to host this celebration of Christ-like athletic prowess and Spirit-filled endurance, please leave the website in the comments.


Thanks, and because you know I must…GO USA!!


Melissa McGinnis is the Children's Ministry Director for LHF, and finds a good satire as uplifting as an perfectly-stuck landing. To see some of the masters of satire, check out Jon Acuff and Tim Hawkins.